Threat Emotions Can Cause Us to Misread Our Partner

The Mindset of Anxiety and Anger

Just how well do we read our intimate partners? As long as we're composed, we're generally pretty good at it. But whenever our threat emotions (i.e. anxiety and anger)  are triggered, accuracy goes right out the window.

Emotion-driven misinterpretations spell trouble for relationships. They lead to escalating accusations, disappearing trust and constricting hearts. If only we could recognize how emotions shape perceptions, we could restore close connections with our partner.


Running unconsciously in the background, our brain has an alarm system alert for threats to physical and psychological needs. At the instant we register a threat, a host of coping responses commence. Cortisol and adrenalin are secreted. Breathing and heart rate quicken, sending oxygen and sugar to our limbs to ready us for fight or flight. Neural activity increases in the brain's limbic section, generating threat-countering emotions and additional interpretations of danger. These processes work together and impact one another.

The function of anxiety and anger is to viscerally warn of a danger so that we take self-protective measures. To succeed at this task, we're designed to over-estimate threat. The only surefire guarantee that actual risks are never missed is giving ambiguous threats the same credence as definite ones. Better to be safe than sorry. This evolutionary adaptation was vital for survival on the savannah, but it's another story entirely with our relationships.

Misinterpreting Our Partner When We're Anxious/Angry/Hurt

Because we're profoundly dependent on our partner for basic psychological needs, we're easily triggered in intimate relationships. Nowhere else do we feel quite so attached - or rejected, quite so respected - or unvalued. Whenever these needs seem jeopardized, our limbic system can flare, and anxiety, anger and hurt arise. Such emotions dramatically color our interpretations whereby we automatically - and often erroneously - tend to view our partner as untrustworthy, uncaring, unfair or disrespectful.

When we feel anxious or angry, we're certain there's a legitimate basis

Anxiety is nature's indicator that peril lurks. When it appears, we're convinced in our gut that we're endangered. The emotion itself is regarded as proof that a bona fide peril exists. "If I feel upset with my partner, s/he must have done something."

But that's not necessarily the case. While the experience of anxiety or anger is indisputably real, the cause we attribute may or may not be.

When we feel hurt by our partner, we presume it was deliberate. Taking things personally is an adaptive aspect of our fight/flight reflex since it mobilizes us to act protectively.

Even if we're a bit unclear whether our partner purposely meant to harm us, we nonetheless suppose s/he was perfectly willing to. After all, s/he is well aware of our desires or sensitivities yet callously ignored them. It seems implausible that it could have been accidental. What we forget is that we can feel upset or wounded without our spouse intent

 Under threat, our perceptions narrow to black or white categories

Under threat, we think in simplified black or white terms. This binary shift occurs so that we can definitively classify the source as either friend or foe, the situation as safe or unsafe. Anything vague that falls in the middle is mislabeled as dangerous. We instinctively over-assess threat and give up precision in order to assure security.

Why is it so common that when couples fight they make the absolute allegations of "you always..." or "you never...?" This isn't just a debate tactic. When the mind is steeped in fear or anger, it has trouble accessing "sometimes." At that moment, we can't recall instances when our partner acted differently because that recollection would let down our guard. The reliable protection is all or nothing, black or white.

 Published on March 24, 2012 by Russell B. Lemle, PhD

Pathological vs Healthy Love

What happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive, the passion is intoxicating...but there's something missing.

What about real love, healthy love?

The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic love 'looks like' can help us to see what real 'love' should look like too.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).

1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love -insecurity, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (this may really be fear,  insecurity, or lonliness).

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life,  neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's personal growth ; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with  the other one's  behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - jealousy possessiveness; fear of competition.

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on a dream and avoiding the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - A healthy concern about partner. Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings).

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you may want to take a closer look at it. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 

adapted fromSandra Brown, M.A.

bullying

Bullying What Is Bullying? Every child has the right to feel safe at school and bullying destroys that sense of safety. It not only affects children while they are at school, but it often follows them home and invades their computers and cell phones. Bullying frequently places schools at odds with parents and parents in limbo with their children. Due to these factors, along with bullying being a hot topic throughout the media in the last few years, it is important to know exactly what is meant when the term bullying is used. There is not a simple answer, but the gist of it is this: bullying includes a set of behaviors that intentionally cause harm to another person. These behaviors occur because a person feels or is thought to be stronger than the other, and these behaviors are often repeated over time. There is usually some gain for the bully. Bullying affects the children targeted by the bullying behaviors to parents, teachers, and communities that have to deal with the aftermath that these behaviors have on their community. It is much more than a student issue or a school issue; it is a community and society issue as well. The occurrence of bullying not only hinges upon personal choices by students and parents but also on the overall messages and lessons that a society sends to its young people. It is a systemic problem so a systemic solution is necessary. With all these factors involved in the problem of bullying, it makes sense that the proper response would be to address all of these areas: students, teachers, schools, parents, and communities. The best interventions are ones that involve all of these arenas. It takes cooperation on all levels to not only deal with specific instances of bullying, but also to create an atmosphere that suffocates bullying behavior and decreases it’s occurrence in schools and in the community. What Can be Done about Bullying? The first step is to listen to and believe the child who reports being the target of bullying behaviors. The child must also see and know that whoever they choose to tell will take action. That is the primary reason that bullying goes unreported: children too often feel that nothing will be done or that they will not be taken seriously. In fact, although they want to help, school staff and parents alike feel helpless and frustrated when confronted by a bullying situation. They have not been trained or been told what to do. The school’s bullying protocol and procedures are not standardized nor clearly defined. There is no clearly defined chain of command to go to when they reach out for help. To assist the parent and school in being able to take appropriate action, the following must occur. Schools must have specific, step-by-step policies outlining what behaviors are considered bullying and what consequences are to follow if those behaviors occur or continue. School staff, parents and students alike should know who to turn to within the school system when a bullying incident has to be reported. This ensures that the child being targeted feels and sees that action has been taken, but it also allows those who engaged in bullying behaviors to know what to expect. These procedures must be applied uniformly for all students. If not, bully prevention strategies will not be credible. The next step is to involve bystanders, those who see or know that bullying occurs, and either do nothing or encourage the behavior by witnessing and supporting it. This behavior encourages the bully and further shames and isolates the target. Bystanders can include other students, teachers, adults, and parents. Bystanders can help to incite more intense or frequent bullying or it could curb bullying. Bystanders must understand that bullying is wrong and by watching and not reporting they are part of the problem. Teamwork is also crucial. Parents, teachers, counselors, and school administrators must all work together to solve this problem. Everyone has a necessary role to play and a responsibility in bully prevention. Everyone has a different perspective on the issue and everyone will have different suggestions about what to do about the problem but the goal is unifying. Schools and parents should work to be collaborative with each other. It is important to understand that schools take time to implement policies and practices, and that parents are often emotionally invested and need assurance that action is taking place to protect their child. As a parent or adult working with a child reporting to have experienced these behaviors, the best thing you can do is to listen and ask the who, when, where, and how questions. Remember, it is not an interrogation and the child may be very emotional. Take time to let the child tell his or her story in his or her own words at a comfortable pace. It is important he or she feels understood and supported more than anything else. How do parents or concerned adults know when they need to seek help? The simple answer is this: as soon as the bullying comes to your attention, you should contact the school. The longer it goes unchecked the greater effect it will have on the child and the school population as a whole. This is not a problem that will take care of itself. Find out if your school has a bully prevention program, who to report to, what actions will be taken, and how you can be involved in your child’s safety. You can also seek the help of other mental health providers, such as marriage and family therapists, who are trained to work with families and individuals alike. They can also help interface between schools and parents. Signs that a Child is Being Bullied The following are some common signs that a child is being bullied: lowered school performance school avoidance social isolation few or no friends reluctance to engage in activities loss of possessions or destruction of property bruises or other signs of abuse emotionality complaints of physical distress change in appetite change in sleeping patterns. Be sure to pay close attention to any abrupt changes in behaviors or emotionality. These are signs that something is going on with your child and you should ask your child about his or her school experiences. Bullying is a major problem and should not be ignored. Not only does one risk lowered school performance or school avoidance, but also long-term emotional and social damage, as well as self-harming behaviors and suicide. Marriage and family therapists are trained to deal with these issues, as well as assist the family in adjusting to these behaviors, working with the school, and in providing social skills training for either a child who is being bullied or a child who is bullying other children. The text of this consumer update was written by Anjali Pinjala, PhD, and Jeremy Pierce, MA.

Three Surprising Facts About Happiness

Christy Matta, M.A.


If you're stuck in a bad mood, anxious and ruminating or simply feel that your emotions are beyond your control, these 3 surprising facts might give you one or two strategies to try to alter some of those negative feelings and keep positive feelings around.

1. Happiness is Contagious. Like a cold, happiness can be caught from the people around you. According to a 2008 study in the British Medical Journal, people who were surrounded by many happy people were more likely to become happy in the future. In fact, happiness extended as much as 3 degrees of separation. If you want to improve your own mood, look at the network of people you surround yourself with. It may be in your own best interest to seek out those friends and acquaintances who are happy.

2. Smiling actually does make you feel happy. Nothing is more annoying than the stranger that tells you to "smile." They might be well meaning, but when you're stressed, sad or anxious, often the last thing you feel like doing is smiling. However, a 1998 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that facial expressions do effect mood. Participants in the study who matched positive facial expressions had a corresponding positive change in mood. Pay attention to the expression on your face. If you're feeling tense or sad, allow yourself a relaxed smile now and then. Try a half smile. Ease the muscles of the face and slightly turn up the corners of the mouth and see if, with some time, your mood improves.

3. Emotions last only a few seconds. If you've ever been stuck in a bad mood for days on end, this might sound unlikely. But the reality is that each emotion we experience lasts only a few seconds. A bad mood that goes on for days is the result of the same emotions being triggered over and over. The most likely trigger: our thoughts. So pay attention to what you're thinking if you're continually anxious and on edge or are stuck in sadness or anger. Are you re-triggering the emotion by continually thinking about what originally made you anxious, sad or angry?

Emotions are complex and full of surprising. The more you understand about how your emotions function, the better you will be at getting out of the negatives and catching those happy vibes.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (not just the blues)

Feeling moody?  Irritable? Tired? Hungry?  Down in the dumps?  Maybe it's not just THE BLUES.  This is the time of year that Seasonal Affective Disorder (also called SAD) rears it's ugly head.  Diminished sunlight can produce changes in the brain's chemistry leaving you feeling miserable. SAD can interfere with your job, the quality of your relationships, your self esteem, sleeping and eating patterns, and so much more.  SAD  is a type of depression that typically occurs during this season, and can last into Spring.  SAD can steal your energy and cause you to have a negative outlook on life.    The good news is that SAD is a very treatable problem.  For most people short term intermittent therapy along with vitamins and increased (artificial) daylight can make a world of difference. Others may need medication to banish these  blues.   

If you find that you often get into a funk around this time of year, don't suffer on your own or  "tough it out".  Help is readily available.
Take care of yourself

~Bonnie~

Fast relief for anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc

I am now trained to practice a new type of therapy called ART.  I was attracted to this treatment because it provided fast relief. I do not want to practice any type of therapy that keeps someone  in pain, talking about things again, and  again, and again, without feeling any better.

 ART (Acceleration Resolution Therapy) was developed by Laney Rosenzweig, LMFT.  It is a new therapeutic technique used  to treat adults and children with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, sexual abuse trauma, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder, addictions, grief and job or relationship issues.  ART reprograms the brain and makes positive changes for these conditions. Laney explains that “the experience is much like a regular talk session with the eye movements added to help clients quickly process the information they need to resolve their issues.  Clients leave feeling that a weight has been lifted and a wonderful change has been made.  They usually find healing in as few as one or two sessions in which the rapid eye movements are used - and it is a drug free therapy.” 

In ART, the eye movements are thought to be conducive to sorting out problems quickly through increasing the integration of activities in the left and right sides of the brain. These movements also seem to help the client process information by producing a deep feeling of relaxation. Yet ART is not hypnosis. During REM our brains are quite active and the brain waves are similar to those when we are in an awake state.

The main and crucial way in which ART differs from other eye movement therapies is that it is directive.  The therapist focuses the client’s thoughts through interventions, most of which are unique to ART, such as Voluntary Memory Replacement / Voluntary Image Replacement (VMR/VIR).  These interventions by the therapist actually empower the client.  It is the information provided by the clients as they process their problems that leads the clinician in directing the session.  The first of five “C’s” that contribute to ART’s uniqueness is “Client Centered” because the client is in control of the entire ART session and it is the client’s responses that shape the interventions.  ART is also “Creative”, both on the part of the therapist and the client, “Conversational”, much like a traditional talk session, “Closure Oriented”, because it is geared toward helping the client out of pain or discomfort as quickly as possible, and has a “Calming” effect on the clients as they work out their problems.

What is a Family Therapist?

Marriage and Family Therapist: The Family-Friendly Mental Health Professionals

Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals with a minimum of a master’s degree and two years supervised clinical experience. Marriage and family therapists (commonly referred to as family therapists) are trained and licensed to independently diagnose and treat mental health problems. Family therapy is one of the core mental health disciplines and is based on the research and theory that emotional and family problems are best treated in a family context. Trained in psychotherapy and family systems, marriage and family therapists focus on understanding their clients’ symptoms and interaction patterns within their existing environment. M&F therapists treat predominantly individuals, but also provide couples, family and group therapy. Whomever the client, Family Therapists treat from a relationship perspective that incorporates family systems.

Most mental health professionals and their clients recognize the necessity of treating mental and emotional problems within the context of the family system. Research has shown that these family-based interventions are as effective—and in many cases more effective—than alternative interventions, often at a lower cost. Studies demonstrate that family therapy is a preferred method of treatment for depression, substance abuse, alcoholism, marital problems, child problems, couple enrichment, and schizophrenia, to name a few.

Family therapy for severe mental illness is one of the most well-studied and effective interventions in the mental health literature. Family involvement—including family psychoeducation, multifamily group therapy, and family therapy—have been consistently linked to better individual and family functioning. Research on couples therapy for depression indicates that couples therapy is the treatment of choice for couples in which there is both depression and couple distress.

Family-based interventions are also effective for persons with medical problems. Treatment outcomes show improvement in the identified patient, as well as in other family members. Family therapy is particularly effective with families who are providing care to elders and to a child with a chronic illness (e.g., asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, cancer).


~ Adapted from the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapists