A relaxation tool

Self-Soothing Techniques: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D.Relaxation Methods. Negative emotion of any sort takes its toll on the body. Short, sharp emotions like anxiety and anger cause the body to tense up in preparation for action. Longer acting emotions like depression are associated with either tensions or fatigue. These muscular states are not mere products of the negative emotion, but rather are part and parcel of it. If you succeed in interrupting the muscular tension, you begin the process of defusing the negative emotion itself.
Several relaxation techniques have been developed which people can use to actively create a state of muscular and mental relaxation, even when they are wound up and tense. Many of these techniques work to create their relaxing effect by interrupting existing muscular tension states. Practice of these various relaxation strategies can help break down tension and promote a relaxed feeling state. Regular practice of these relaxation exercises can do something better, which is to help keep tension from returning.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation or PMR is a technique for creating muscular relaxation. It is safe and easy to do, costs nothing, and requires only a few minutes of privacy to make happen. PMR is based on two observations: 1) that muscles can be actively tensed, but not actively relaxed (relaxation depends on a "letting go" process, not a tension-producing one), and 2) that it is easier to relax and "let go" a muscle after it has just been tensed up, than it is to relax a muscle which has not been tensed up. A person practicing PMR first tenses and then lets go different muscle groups in sequence until they have tensed and then relaxed every muscle group in the body. By the end of the tension-relaxation cycle the body has entered into a deeper state of relaxation than would otherwise have been possible.
To perform PMR, lie down on the floor, or sit in a comfortable chair that supports your weight. Tense the muscles in your feet and hold them in tensions for about 10 seconds, being careful to not tense so tightly that cramps or pain occurs. At the end of the 10 seconds, release the tension and drop your feet, allowing them to come to rest as they will. Thereafter, do not try to occupy your feet, but rather leave them resting. When your feet have been tensed and then released, go on to the next muscle group, in this case, your thighs. Work through your entire body: feet, thighs, buttocks, stomach, chest, arms, neck, and then finally, facial muscles. When you have tensed and then released all the muscles in your body, take a survey of your body from the inside, using your attention to determine whether any new tension has crept into your feet, thighs, etc. while you were working the other parts. If you find tension during your survey, let it go as best you can. Lay there for a while enjoying the relaxation. Then, when you are ready, slowly start moving your muscles around again, reclaiming them. Get up when you are ready and go about your business.

Cautions regarding toys

Make Sure Toys You Buy Are Safe for Tots

by -- Robert Preidt
Updated: Nov 30th 2012
FRIDAY, Nov. 30 (HealthDay News) -- Toy shopping season is here and experts urge parents and others to make sure any gifts they buy for children are safe and age-appropriate.
Here are some gift-giving tips from doctors at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center and the American Academy of Pediatrics:

• Read all warning labels carefully and consider a child's age, interests and skill levels when buying toys.
• Choose toys with sturdy construction and avoid those with sharp edges and points.
• Choking is one of the leading causes of toy-related deaths, and most of these choking deaths are due to tiny balls, latex balloons and small magnets. Any toy that will be accessible by children under age 3 should not have any parts that are smaller than 1 inch in diameter and 2 inches long, because these can lodge in a child's mouth or throat.
• Avoid toy jewelry that may contain lead or cadmium, both of which can be harmful to children.
• Don't give toys that must be plugged into an electrical outlet to children younger than 10. Give them battery-operated toys instead. Remember, though, that button batteries found in toys can become lodged in the throat and cause serious injury or death.
• Don't buy pull toys with strings longer than 12 inches. They could be a strangulation hazard for babies.
• Store toys in designated areas, such as on a shelf or in a toy chest, and keep older children's toys away from younger children.
• If people offer you used toys that don't have warning labels, inspect them carefully and use your best judgment about whether to accept them.
• Some toys contain powerful magnets. If a child swallows more than one of these magnets, they can attract to one another and result in serious injury or death. If your child ingests one more magnets, seek immediate medical attention.

When Getting Angry is Smart

Christy Matta, M.A.Anger can be an unpleasant emotion to feel. And what we do when we're angry can end in negative and sometimes even disastrous consequences. So getting angry doesn't seem smart, does it?
We get angry when we're in painful situations, such as when we feel disrespected or insulted, when we are in pain, in conflict or when something important to us is threatened. It's at these times, in the midst of angry feelings, that people sometimes behave in ways that they later regret. Yelling, threatening others, quitting and malicious talk are all ways that anger can come out.
Because anger is painful and can lead to behavior that causes problems, our focus is often in trying to avoid or reduce it. We don't view anger as a positive, helpful or useful emotion. Instead we see it as a problem, something to get rid of.
But anger, like all other emotions, is useful. It may not seem like it, but emotional pain, like physical pain, serves an important purpose in our lives. Feeling physical pain, for example a burn on your finger, is a warning that causes you to withdraw from harm and allow your body to heal. Emotional pain, for example the feeling of anger, is also a warning. In the case of anger, it can cause you to stand up for yourself, right a wrong or overcome difficult obstacles.
So yes, how we act when we're angry can leave us with regrets. When we act in ways that are aggressive towards others, spiteful or cruel, it can feel as if anger is not smart. But, feeling anger doesn't have to mean being out-of-control. It is possible to think clearly, understand the situation that is making you angry and to use those angry feelings as motivation to make positive changes.
People often make two very important mistakes when it comes to anger. Either they try to ignore it or they try to be happy in a situation that naturally prompts anger related emotions.
According to an article in the journal Emotion (August, 2012) accepting and even embracing its usefulness can improve your ability think and act while angry. It may seem contradictory, but wanting to feel angry when you're in conflict makes it more likely that you will understand and be able to manage your emotion.
It's normal to want to feel good and to avoid feeling bad, but some situations call for unpleasant feelings. Experiencing an emotion that is congruent with your circumstances, even when it's not pleasant, is an important part of being able to understand your emotion. This ability to understand and manage your emotion is linked to better well-being overall.
The problem with anger is that it is not always useful. Sometimes we hang on to resentments long after we might have effectively asserted ourselves. Or, once angry, find our anger in other situations too easily triggered.
So how do you know when anger is useful and therefore smart? Begin with the assumption that you have a valid reason for feeling angry. Try not to suppress your anger. At the same time, don't try to hold onto or amplify it. When you are calm, ask yourself if your anger is doing you any good. Is it acting as a warning signal, alerting you to an injustice, disrespect or that you are losing something important? Can your anger motivate you to address painful circumstances, say by asserting yourself or working to keep that something you are losing? This is useful anger. When you stop pushing away your anger, you can make choices about how to respond in ways that improve your life.

Emotional Intelligence * adapted from Preston Ni, M.S.B.A.*

Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one's own feelings, as well as engage and navigate successfully with those of others. According to Talent Smart, 90% of high performers at the work place possess high EQ, while 80% of low performers have low EQ. Emotional Intelligence is absolutely essential in the formation, development, maintenance, and enhancement of close personal relationships. Unlike IQ, which does not change significantly over a lifetime, our EQ can evolve and increase with our desire to learn and grow.

Below are five keys that can enhance one's emotional intelligence:

1. The ability to deal with one's own negative emotions

"We become what we think about all day long."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Perhaps no aspect of EQ is more important than our ability to effectively manage our own negative emotions, so they don't overwhelm us and affect our judgment.

2. The ability to stay cool under pressure

"Trouble comes from the mouth." - Chinese proverb

Most of us experience some level of stress in life. How we handle stressful situations can make the difference between being assertive versus reactive, and poised versus frazzled. When under pressure, the most important thing to keep in mind is to keep our cool.  If you can, take a walk. Take deep breaths. Empty your mind. Come back with a fresh perspective.  If you can't, take a break and be alone for a few minutes (even if you have to go to the rest room). Remind yourself that it's not the end of the world, take a few deep breaths, remind yourself of a good thing in your life (a child, friend, loved one, pet) , and then return.

3. The ability to read social cues

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."

- Anais Nin

People with high EQ are generally more accurate in their ability to perceive and interpret others' emotional, physical, and verbal expressions. They also know how to communicate effectively to clarify intentions.

A. When we see an expression from someone that we don't understand fully, come up with at least two possible interpretations before jumping to conclusion. For example, I may be tempted to think my friend's not returning my call because he's ignoring me, or I can consider the possibility that he's been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them,  more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.

"A negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than they're constipated!"

- Daniel Amen

B. Seek clarification when needed. If necessary, inquire with the other person for clarification on why s/he's behaving the way she does. Ask opened ended questions such as: "I'm just curious, can you tell me why...," and avoid accusations and judgments. Compare that person's words with body language and behavior to check for congruency.

4. The ability to be assertive and express difficult emotions when necessary

"Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship."

- Harriet Lerner

There are times in all of our lives when it's important to set our boundaries appropriately, so people know where we stand. These can include exercising our right to disagree (without being disagreeable), saying "no" without feeling guilty, setting our own priorities, getting what we paid for, and protecting ourselves from duress and harm.

One method to consider when needing to express difficult emotions is the XYZ technique - I feel X when you do Y in situation Z. Here are some examples:

"I feel strongly that I should receive recognition from the company based on my contributions."

"I feel uncomfortable that you expect me to help you over my own priorities."

"I feel disappointed when you didn't follow through when you told me you would."

"I feel frustrated when you continue to not take our finances seriously."

"I felt hurt when you made fun of me at dinner last night."

Avoid using sentences that begin with "you" and followed by accusation or judgment, such as "you are...," "you should...," "you need to...." "You" language followed by such directives put the listener on the defensive, and make them less likely to be open to what you have to say.

5. The ability to express intimate emotions in close, personal relationships

"We live in the shelter of each other."

- Celtic saying

The ability to effectively express and validate tender, loving emotions is essential to

maintaining close personal relationships. In this case, "effective" means sharing intimate feelings with someone in an appropriate relationship, in a manner that's nourishing and constructive, and being able to respond affirmatively when the other person does the same.

Caring statements

 "How are you doing?", "How are you feeling?", "I love you," "I appreciate you," "I like it when we talk like this," "I'm glad we're spending this time together," "you're such a good friend," "I'm sorry." 

                      

Positive body language

eye contact, hugging, smiling, patting the elbow, arm around the shoulder

A kind gesture

 offering food or beverage, a personalized card, a thoughtful gift, a needed favor. Empathetic listing. Engaging in shared activities

All of this can go a long way in a relationship

The 12 Ties that Bind Long-Term Relationships

Which relationships stand the test of time, and why?

Published on June 5, 2012 by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. in Fulfillment at Any Age

1. Thinking positively about your partner. Having positive thoughts about your partner means that you focus on the good, not the bad, in your partner’s personal qualities and character. Ruminating about the things that bother you can only lead you to magnify the small foibles which will make your partner even more irritating to you than you would otherwise feel.  People in good relationships engage in “sentiment override,” meaning that they remember more of the favorable than the unfavorable experiences they’ve shared together.
2. Thinking about your partner when apart. When you leave your partner for the day, the evening, or for an extended period of time, do you forget about his or her existence? Is it out of sight and out of mind for you? If so, this may be a sign that you’re not that much in love. You don’t have to spend every second apart sighing longingly, but the fact that your partner isn’t there should at least cross your mind some of the time during the course of the average day.
3. Difficulty concentrating on other things when thinking about your partner. If you’re able to set aside your thoughts about your partner without much effort, this suggests that your partner takes up only a small amount of cognitive load.  Multitasking isn’t particularly desirable when it comes to musing over your loved one. In the O'Leary study, this factor was particularly important for men.
4. Enjoying novel and challenging activities. Like definitely attracts like when it comes to personal interests and hobbies. Spending time together is important, as you’ll see below, but it’s how you spend your time that influences your relationship satisfaction even more. Aron’s self-expansion model, tested in empirical research, suggests that couples can improve their love for each other when they spend their time together exploring new and challenging activities. The O'Leary study identified this factor as especially relevant for men. If you’re going to go bungee jumping for the first time, your relationship will benefit when you and your partner face this challenge together. If you’re not up to bungee jumping, seek out mentally challenging ways to spice up your daily routines. 
5. Spending time together. If you love someone, you want to spend time with that person, and the more time you spend together, the more your love will grow. The time you spend should include some new and challenging activities, as shown in point #4. However, even spending time together in mundane household activities can enhance your love's intensity. That basement remodeling you’ve been intending to get started can actually become a way for you and your partner to strengthen your emotional bonds. Cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, and even cleaning the house are other ways to bolster your love for each other. This was another factor that, in the O'Leary study, was more important for men.
6. Expressing affection. Feeling love toward your partner is important, but so is expressing that love in physical ways. It’s not wise to play hard to get when your goal is to build the passion in your relationship. The affection you show doesn’t have to be elaborate or overly gushy. A touch on the shoulder or kiss on the cheek is enough to build your relationship’s intensity. 
7. Being turned on by your partner. Those tiny touches of affection can not only boost your emotional connection to your partner, but also stoke the sexual fires within. The respondents reporting the most intense love for their partner in the O’Leary study said that they felt their bodies responding when their partner touched them. This doesn’t mean a full-out sexual encounter has to follow from that touch on the cheek. Feeling a warm, tingling sensation from your partner’s physical presence is enough to keep the fire inside stoked until the time is right for sexual activity.
8. Engaging in sexual intercourse. It should come as no surprise that having intercourse is a positive expression of a love’s intensity. People in love are more likely to have sex with each other on a regular basis. The O’Leary study showed, however, that part of the reason for the positive association between sex and love is that people who are happiest in their relationships both love their partners more and have sex more frequently. Whatever the cause, the point is that sexual activity builds and maintains feelings of love and even happiness that endure over time. 
9. Feeling generally happy. People who feel happier about life also have stronger feelings of love toward their partners. We can’t determine whether people who are in love therefore feel happier or vice versa from the survey data in the O’Leary study (and the finding was more true of women than men). However, the finding suggests that if you’re experiencing personal distress, this can leak out and cause your relationship to suffer. Similarly, if your relationship is in trouble, your personal happiness will suffer as well. Either way, it's important for you to seek help before these negative effects take a heavy toll on your mental health.
10. Wanting to know where your partner is at all times. Being intensely in love, for men, is associated with wanting to know your partner’s whereabouts. This component of intense love may seem a bit like stalking. But to put a positive spin on it, if you want to know where your partner is, this reflects the fact that your partner isn't very far from your thoughts.  
11. Obsessively thinking about your partner. Being slightly obsessed with your partner turns out to be positively related to intense love, at least for women. The women most in love in the O’Leary study didn’t particularly care about knowing their partner’s whereabouts. However, they were more likely to engage in obsessive thinking about their partner more generally.
12. Having a strong passion for life. People who approach their daily lives with zest and strong emotion seem to carry these intense feelings over to their love life as well. If you want your relationship to have passion, put that emotional energy to work in your hobbies, interests, and even your political  activities. Your brain's reward centers respond similarly to love as to getting excited about your other daily interests.Getting "fired up" in these areas of life translates into firing up the feelings you have toward your partner and in the O'Leary study seemed to matter more for men. 

The formula for keeping love alive in your closest relationship is a complicated one. The study by the O’Leary team, in identifying these 12 factors, provides new evidence to show that not only can long-term couples get along with each other, but they can maintain their passion for many decades.  Close relationships are the centerpiece of our sense of identity and are fundamental to our feelings of fulfillment. By changing your thoughts and your behavior about these relationships, you can keep them fresh and vital for years.

Threat Emotions Can Cause Us to Misread Our Partner

The Mindset of Anxiety and Anger

Just how well do we read our intimate partners? As long as we're composed, we're generally pretty good at it. But whenever our threat emotions (i.e. anxiety and anger)  are triggered, accuracy goes right out the window.

Emotion-driven misinterpretations spell trouble for relationships. They lead to escalating accusations, disappearing trust and constricting hearts. If only we could recognize how emotions shape perceptions, we could restore close connections with our partner.


Running unconsciously in the background, our brain has an alarm system alert for threats to physical and psychological needs. At the instant we register a threat, a host of coping responses commence. Cortisol and adrenalin are secreted. Breathing and heart rate quicken, sending oxygen and sugar to our limbs to ready us for fight or flight. Neural activity increases in the brain's limbic section, generating threat-countering emotions and additional interpretations of danger. These processes work together and impact one another.

The function of anxiety and anger is to viscerally warn of a danger so that we take self-protective measures. To succeed at this task, we're designed to over-estimate threat. The only surefire guarantee that actual risks are never missed is giving ambiguous threats the same credence as definite ones. Better to be safe than sorry. This evolutionary adaptation was vital for survival on the savannah, but it's another story entirely with our relationships.

Misinterpreting Our Partner When We're Anxious/Angry/Hurt

Because we're profoundly dependent on our partner for basic psychological needs, we're easily triggered in intimate relationships. Nowhere else do we feel quite so attached - or rejected, quite so respected - or unvalued. Whenever these needs seem jeopardized, our limbic system can flare, and anxiety, anger and hurt arise. Such emotions dramatically color our interpretations whereby we automatically - and often erroneously - tend to view our partner as untrustworthy, uncaring, unfair or disrespectful.

When we feel anxious or angry, we're certain there's a legitimate basis

Anxiety is nature's indicator that peril lurks. When it appears, we're convinced in our gut that we're endangered. The emotion itself is regarded as proof that a bona fide peril exists. "If I feel upset with my partner, s/he must have done something."

But that's not necessarily the case. While the experience of anxiety or anger is indisputably real, the cause we attribute may or may not be.

When we feel hurt by our partner, we presume it was deliberate. Taking things personally is an adaptive aspect of our fight/flight reflex since it mobilizes us to act protectively.

Even if we're a bit unclear whether our partner purposely meant to harm us, we nonetheless suppose s/he was perfectly willing to. After all, s/he is well aware of our desires or sensitivities yet callously ignored them. It seems implausible that it could have been accidental. What we forget is that we can feel upset or wounded without our spouse intent

 Under threat, our perceptions narrow to black or white categories

Under threat, we think in simplified black or white terms. This binary shift occurs so that we can definitively classify the source as either friend or foe, the situation as safe or unsafe. Anything vague that falls in the middle is mislabeled as dangerous. We instinctively over-assess threat and give up precision in order to assure security.

Why is it so common that when couples fight they make the absolute allegations of "you always..." or "you never...?" This isn't just a debate tactic. When the mind is steeped in fear or anger, it has trouble accessing "sometimes." At that moment, we can't recall instances when our partner acted differently because that recollection would let down our guard. The reliable protection is all or nothing, black or white.

 Published on March 24, 2012 by Russell B. Lemle, PhD

Pathological vs Healthy Love

What happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive, the passion is intoxicating...but there's something missing.

What about real love, healthy love?

The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic love 'looks like' can help us to see what real 'love' should look like too.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).

1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love -insecurity, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (this may really be fear,  insecurity, or lonliness).

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life,  neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's personal growth ; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with  the other one's  behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - jealousy possessiveness; fear of competition.

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on a dream and avoiding the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - A healthy concern about partner. Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings).

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you may want to take a closer look at it. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 

adapted fromSandra Brown, M.A.

bullying

Bullying What Is Bullying? Every child has the right to feel safe at school and bullying destroys that sense of safety. It not only affects children while they are at school, but it often follows them home and invades their computers and cell phones. Bullying frequently places schools at odds with parents and parents in limbo with their children. Due to these factors, along with bullying being a hot topic throughout the media in the last few years, it is important to know exactly what is meant when the term bullying is used. There is not a simple answer, but the gist of it is this: bullying includes a set of behaviors that intentionally cause harm to another person. These behaviors occur because a person feels or is thought to be stronger than the other, and these behaviors are often repeated over time. There is usually some gain for the bully. Bullying affects the children targeted by the bullying behaviors to parents, teachers, and communities that have to deal with the aftermath that these behaviors have on their community. It is much more than a student issue or a school issue; it is a community and society issue as well. The occurrence of bullying not only hinges upon personal choices by students and parents but also on the overall messages and lessons that a society sends to its young people. It is a systemic problem so a systemic solution is necessary. With all these factors involved in the problem of bullying, it makes sense that the proper response would be to address all of these areas: students, teachers, schools, parents, and communities. The best interventions are ones that involve all of these arenas. It takes cooperation on all levels to not only deal with specific instances of bullying, but also to create an atmosphere that suffocates bullying behavior and decreases it’s occurrence in schools and in the community. What Can be Done about Bullying? The first step is to listen to and believe the child who reports being the target of bullying behaviors. The child must also see and know that whoever they choose to tell will take action. That is the primary reason that bullying goes unreported: children too often feel that nothing will be done or that they will not be taken seriously. In fact, although they want to help, school staff and parents alike feel helpless and frustrated when confronted by a bullying situation. They have not been trained or been told what to do. The school’s bullying protocol and procedures are not standardized nor clearly defined. There is no clearly defined chain of command to go to when they reach out for help. To assist the parent and school in being able to take appropriate action, the following must occur. Schools must have specific, step-by-step policies outlining what behaviors are considered bullying and what consequences are to follow if those behaviors occur or continue. School staff, parents and students alike should know who to turn to within the school system when a bullying incident has to be reported. This ensures that the child being targeted feels and sees that action has been taken, but it also allows those who engaged in bullying behaviors to know what to expect. These procedures must be applied uniformly for all students. If not, bully prevention strategies will not be credible. The next step is to involve bystanders, those who see or know that bullying occurs, and either do nothing or encourage the behavior by witnessing and supporting it. This behavior encourages the bully and further shames and isolates the target. Bystanders can include other students, teachers, adults, and parents. Bystanders can help to incite more intense or frequent bullying or it could curb bullying. Bystanders must understand that bullying is wrong and by watching and not reporting they are part of the problem. Teamwork is also crucial. Parents, teachers, counselors, and school administrators must all work together to solve this problem. Everyone has a necessary role to play and a responsibility in bully prevention. Everyone has a different perspective on the issue and everyone will have different suggestions about what to do about the problem but the goal is unifying. Schools and parents should work to be collaborative with each other. It is important to understand that schools take time to implement policies and practices, and that parents are often emotionally invested and need assurance that action is taking place to protect their child. As a parent or adult working with a child reporting to have experienced these behaviors, the best thing you can do is to listen and ask the who, when, where, and how questions. Remember, it is not an interrogation and the child may be very emotional. Take time to let the child tell his or her story in his or her own words at a comfortable pace. It is important he or she feels understood and supported more than anything else. How do parents or concerned adults know when they need to seek help? The simple answer is this: as soon as the bullying comes to your attention, you should contact the school. The longer it goes unchecked the greater effect it will have on the child and the school population as a whole. This is not a problem that will take care of itself. Find out if your school has a bully prevention program, who to report to, what actions will be taken, and how you can be involved in your child’s safety. You can also seek the help of other mental health providers, such as marriage and family therapists, who are trained to work with families and individuals alike. They can also help interface between schools and parents. Signs that a Child is Being Bullied The following are some common signs that a child is being bullied: lowered school performance school avoidance social isolation few or no friends reluctance to engage in activities loss of possessions or destruction of property bruises or other signs of abuse emotionality complaints of physical distress change in appetite change in sleeping patterns. Be sure to pay close attention to any abrupt changes in behaviors or emotionality. These are signs that something is going on with your child and you should ask your child about his or her school experiences. Bullying is a major problem and should not be ignored. Not only does one risk lowered school performance or school avoidance, but also long-term emotional and social damage, as well as self-harming behaviors and suicide. Marriage and family therapists are trained to deal with these issues, as well as assist the family in adjusting to these behaviors, working with the school, and in providing social skills training for either a child who is being bullied or a child who is bullying other children. The text of this consumer update was written by Anjali Pinjala, PhD, and Jeremy Pierce, MA.

Three Surprising Facts About Happiness

Christy Matta, M.A.


If you're stuck in a bad mood, anxious and ruminating or simply feel that your emotions are beyond your control, these 3 surprising facts might give you one or two strategies to try to alter some of those negative feelings and keep positive feelings around.

1. Happiness is Contagious. Like a cold, happiness can be caught from the people around you. According to a 2008 study in the British Medical Journal, people who were surrounded by many happy people were more likely to become happy in the future. In fact, happiness extended as much as 3 degrees of separation. If you want to improve your own mood, look at the network of people you surround yourself with. It may be in your own best interest to seek out those friends and acquaintances who are happy.

2. Smiling actually does make you feel happy. Nothing is more annoying than the stranger that tells you to "smile." They might be well meaning, but when you're stressed, sad or anxious, often the last thing you feel like doing is smiling. However, a 1998 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that facial expressions do effect mood. Participants in the study who matched positive facial expressions had a corresponding positive change in mood. Pay attention to the expression on your face. If you're feeling tense or sad, allow yourself a relaxed smile now and then. Try a half smile. Ease the muscles of the face and slightly turn up the corners of the mouth and see if, with some time, your mood improves.

3. Emotions last only a few seconds. If you've ever been stuck in a bad mood for days on end, this might sound unlikely. But the reality is that each emotion we experience lasts only a few seconds. A bad mood that goes on for days is the result of the same emotions being triggered over and over. The most likely trigger: our thoughts. So pay attention to what you're thinking if you're continually anxious and on edge or are stuck in sadness or anger. Are you re-triggering the emotion by continually thinking about what originally made you anxious, sad or angry?

Emotions are complex and full of surprising. The more you understand about how your emotions function, the better you will be at getting out of the negatives and catching those happy vibes.