Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one's own feelings, as well as engage and navigate successfully with those of others. According to Talent Smart, 90% of high performers at the work place possess high EQ, while 80% of low performers have low EQ. Emotional Intelligence is absolutely essential in the formation, development, maintenance, and enhancement of close personal relationships. Unlike IQ, which does not change significantly over a lifetime, our EQ can evolve and increase with our desire to learn and grow.
Below are five keys that can enhance one's emotional intelligence:
1. The ability to deal with one's own negative emotions
"We become what we think about all day long."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Perhaps no aspect of EQ is more important than our ability to effectively manage our own negative emotions, so they don't overwhelm us and affect our judgment.
2. The ability to stay cool under pressure
"Trouble comes from the mouth." - Chinese proverb
Most of us experience some level of stress in life. How we handle stressful situations can make the difference between being assertive versus reactive, and poised versus frazzled. When under pressure, the most important thing to keep in mind is to keep our cool. If you can, take a walk. Take deep breaths. Empty your mind. Come back with a fresh perspective. If you can't, take a break and be alone for a few minutes (even if you have to go to the rest room). Remind yourself that it's not the end of the world, take a few deep breaths, remind yourself of a good thing in your life (a child, friend, loved one, pet) , and then return.
3. The ability to read social cues
"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."
- Anais Nin
People with high EQ are generally more accurate in their ability to perceive and interpret others' emotional, physical, and verbal expressions. They also know how to communicate effectively to clarify intentions.
A. When we see an expression from someone that we don't understand fully, come up with at least two possible interpretations before jumping to conclusion. For example, I may be tempted to think my friend's not returning my call because he's ignoring me, or I can consider the possibility that he's been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them, more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.
"A negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than they're constipated!"
- Daniel Amen
B. Seek clarification when needed. If necessary, inquire with the other person for clarification on why s/he's behaving the way she does. Ask opened ended questions such as: "I'm just curious, can you tell me why...," and avoid accusations and judgments. Compare that person's words with body language and behavior to check for congruency.
4. The ability to be assertive and express difficult emotions when necessary
4. The ability to be assertive and express difficult emotions when necessary
"Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship."
- Harriet Lerner
There are times in all of our lives when it's important to set our boundaries appropriately, so people know where we stand. These can include exercising our right to disagree (without being disagreeable), saying "no" without feeling guilty, setting our own priorities, getting what we paid for, and protecting ourselves from duress and harm.
One method to consider when needing to express difficult emotions is the XYZ technique - I feel X when you do Y in situation Z. Here are some examples:
"I feel strongly that I should receive recognition from the company based on my contributions."
"I feel uncomfortable that you expect me to help you over my own priorities."
"I feel disappointed when you didn't follow through when you told me you would."
"I feel frustrated when you continue to not take our finances seriously."
"I felt hurt when you made fun of me at dinner last night."
Avoid using sentences that begin with "you" and followed by accusation or judgment, such as "you are...," "you should...," "you need to...." "You" language followed by such directives put the listener on the defensive, and make them less likely to be open to what you have to say.
5. The ability to express intimate emotions in close, personal relationships
"We live in the shelter of each other."
- Celtic saying
The ability to effectively express and validate tender, loving emotions is essential to
maintaining close personal relationships. In this case, "effective" means sharing intimate feelings with someone in an appropriate relationship, in a manner that's nourishing and constructive, and being able to respond affirmatively when the other person does the same.
Caring statements
"How are you doing?", "How are you feeling?", "I love you," "I appreciate you," "I like it when we talk like this," "I'm glad we're spending this time together," "you're such a good friend," "I'm sorry."
Positive body language
eye contact, hugging, smiling, patting the elbow, arm around the shoulder
A kind gesture
offering food or beverage, a personalized card, a thoughtful gift, a needed favor. Empathetic listing. Engaging in shared activities
All of this can go a long way in a relationship
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