Threat Emotions Can Cause Us to Misread Our Partner

The Mindset of Anxiety and Anger

Just how well do we read our intimate partners? As long as we're composed, we're generally pretty good at it. But whenever our threat emotions (i.e. anxiety and anger)  are triggered, accuracy goes right out the window.

Emotion-driven misinterpretations spell trouble for relationships. They lead to escalating accusations, disappearing trust and constricting hearts. If only we could recognize how emotions shape perceptions, we could restore close connections with our partner.


Running unconsciously in the background, our brain has an alarm system alert for threats to physical and psychological needs. At the instant we register a threat, a host of coping responses commence. Cortisol and adrenalin are secreted. Breathing and heart rate quicken, sending oxygen and sugar to our limbs to ready us for fight or flight. Neural activity increases in the brain's limbic section, generating threat-countering emotions and additional interpretations of danger. These processes work together and impact one another.

The function of anxiety and anger is to viscerally warn of a danger so that we take self-protective measures. To succeed at this task, we're designed to over-estimate threat. The only surefire guarantee that actual risks are never missed is giving ambiguous threats the same credence as definite ones. Better to be safe than sorry. This evolutionary adaptation was vital for survival on the savannah, but it's another story entirely with our relationships.

Misinterpreting Our Partner When We're Anxious/Angry/Hurt

Because we're profoundly dependent on our partner for basic psychological needs, we're easily triggered in intimate relationships. Nowhere else do we feel quite so attached - or rejected, quite so respected - or unvalued. Whenever these needs seem jeopardized, our limbic system can flare, and anxiety, anger and hurt arise. Such emotions dramatically color our interpretations whereby we automatically - and often erroneously - tend to view our partner as untrustworthy, uncaring, unfair or disrespectful.

When we feel anxious or angry, we're certain there's a legitimate basis

Anxiety is nature's indicator that peril lurks. When it appears, we're convinced in our gut that we're endangered. The emotion itself is regarded as proof that a bona fide peril exists. "If I feel upset with my partner, s/he must have done something."

But that's not necessarily the case. While the experience of anxiety or anger is indisputably real, the cause we attribute may or may not be.

When we feel hurt by our partner, we presume it was deliberate. Taking things personally is an adaptive aspect of our fight/flight reflex since it mobilizes us to act protectively.

Even if we're a bit unclear whether our partner purposely meant to harm us, we nonetheless suppose s/he was perfectly willing to. After all, s/he is well aware of our desires or sensitivities yet callously ignored them. It seems implausible that it could have been accidental. What we forget is that we can feel upset or wounded without our spouse intent

 Under threat, our perceptions narrow to black or white categories

Under threat, we think in simplified black or white terms. This binary shift occurs so that we can definitively classify the source as either friend or foe, the situation as safe or unsafe. Anything vague that falls in the middle is mislabeled as dangerous. We instinctively over-assess threat and give up precision in order to assure security.

Why is it so common that when couples fight they make the absolute allegations of "you always..." or "you never...?" This isn't just a debate tactic. When the mind is steeped in fear or anger, it has trouble accessing "sometimes." At that moment, we can't recall instances when our partner acted differently because that recollection would let down our guard. The reliable protection is all or nothing, black or white.

 Published on March 24, 2012 by Russell B. Lemle, PhD