bonniecoopersmith@gmail.com

413.386.8966

My office is located in the center of West Springfield, 10 Central Street

Hi ~ Unfortunately, I do not expect an opening for a month or so. My practice is small, I accept new couples when a current couple "graduates". If you are interested, email me (better than calling). We can start to get to know each other a little through email, and, you never know, maybe a couple will complete treatment earlier than anticipated. I know that coming to therapy is not easy. We have all made mistakes, poor choices, have said and done things that we want to "take back". I know that I certainly have! It's only human ~ People develop and change throughout life. Sometimes this brings couples closer, other times, it can pull them apart. I can help you both, while you find your way back to feeling better about each other. This is especially important when a relationship experiences a crisis that affects trust and communication. Strengthening a relationship is not easy and it requires a partnership among the 3 of us. You will have homework between sessions. I will support you 24/7. After we meet, if either of you don't feel like we "click", I totally understand. If you want, I can help you find a better match.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Pathological vs Healthy Love

What happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive, the passion is intoxicating...but there's something missing.
What about real love, healthy love?
The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic love 'looks like' can help us to see what real 'love' should look like too.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).
1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love -insecurity, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (this may really be fear,  insecurity, or lonliness).
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life,  neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's personal growth ; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with  the other one's  behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - jealousy possessiveness; fear of competition.
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on a dream and avoiding the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - A healthy concern about partner. Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings).
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you may want to take a closer look at it. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 
adapted fromSandra Brown, M.A.

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